The night we found out we were pregnant with our first was one of those few moments in my life that I will never forget. Before that moment, I’d never have imagined that one little test would leave such an impression on my life, but it did. My spouse and I were pregnant, we had embarked on a new adventure of joint purpose, of family.
We live away from the family and friends we grew up with, moving to Australia’s Gold Coast a few years back. Yes, we opted for a sea change. One of the great things about living here though is the constant stream of family and friends which come and stay with us, on extended visits. We love it.
At the start of 2008, we had my parents staying with us for a week. It was during this week we started to think we may have a little, unplanned bundle of joy on the way. For better or worse, we waited till mum and dad had left before we got that test.
So Mum and Dad left, we bought a pregnancy test, my wife went into the bathroom. She followed all the instructions and then, amusingly, fled the scene. All courage had departed, she couldn’t look at the results. I found her in the lounge with her head buried under a pillow.
I spent a minute composing myself and having gotten my laughter under control, I went into the bathroom to check the little stick. We were pregnant, our first was on its way. Returning to the lounge, I gathered my wife in my arms and murmured, “We’re going to be parents sweetheart”.
At this moment she point blank accused me of lying, telling me she didn’t believe a word I said and ran into the bathroom to see for herself. It was pretty funny! This was a great introduction to our first pregnancy as those initial magical moments can only be described by the word “roller-coaster”. Which is exactly what the next 8 months or so turned out to be.
The rest of this evening was nothing short of blissful. The news, though unexpected and unplanned, brought us together as a couple in a way I never would have thought possible. The intimacy of this special news was something only we shared. The way we shared this revelation strengthened our relationship massively. All of a sudden we were a partnership that nothing could cast asunder.
I’m glad our first evening was so special. Pretty quickly I realized out that I needed to work to protect these special moments as they popped up. As we started telling our family and friends, I realized that the world is packed with well meaning people, who want to make these moments their own. Further, as I was only the father, I seemed to be expendable in their eyes.
For example, one of my partner’s friends went as far as to speak to my her sister, independently of us, telling her we need her in the delivery room. My mind boggled at the inappropriateness of this. The birth of our baby is such an intimate experience, no-one but my wife and I should be making decisions about who needed to be in the delivery room. The simple fact was, we wanted no-one there, the thought of having someone else in the delivery room with us was intrusive to the extreme.
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Your first pregnancy – roller-coaster really is the word. You have such highs, moments of pure bliss, happiness, anticipation and intimacy. Moments which will mean more than anything else you’ve ever done in your life. For the first time you will create a life.
And then you have the pressures, feelings of self doubt, financial pressures, and feelings of being marginalized and pushed out of the way. This is why learning to trust your instincts becomes so important. You have to trust you’ll be able to provide for your family. You have to trust yourself so you know, when the well meaning woman enters the fray, the decisions you’ve made as a couple are the right decisions for your experience.
Expressing my feelings on the matter to all the new fathers in my circle of friends, I found that we are all the same. Pretty much every dad I spoke to had to deal with a variation of the “well meaning woman”. So if you find yourself locking horns with such a person, it could be your mother, the mother in law or a good friend, don’t think you are on your own. Speak to some of the Dad’s you know, it won’t take you long to find one who can give you some tips for dealing with the situation.
I found the well meaning woman really impacted us in 2 areas. I learned pretty quick that it was important for me as the father to be, to protect our family from her influences in two areas particularly. If you are facing similar difficulties today, you may want to pay particular attention to these things.
Firstly we found that all the “great advice” we were getting, was making us second guess our doctors. The one person you really want to be comfortable with and trust in a pregnancy is your doctor. So I found it was really important to us, that I made these people aware that I was not interested in their opinions of a medical nature. We basically made medical opinion regarding our family off limits to other people.
Secondly you need to protect the trust you have in yours and your wife’s instincts. These instincts are probably the most powerful tool you have as a couple during pregnancy. Your pregnancy, birth experience and child will not be the same as any other which has ever come before. Its unique to your situation and only your instincts are aligned with your experience. The well meaning woman’s instincts were very valid for her pregnancy, but that was a completely different experience to yours. So trust yourself and protect your partners trust in herself. Its important.
So, as a father to be, if you find yourself confronted by the “Well Meaning Woman”, you are certainly not the first, and will not be the last. Good luck with it and remember, even though these people will make you feel like you know less, 99% of the time your insticts will be spot on.
Damian Papworth as a new dad, discusses some of the issues he had to deal with a short time ago, as an expectant father for the first time.